Thinking Out Loud
by HamletMouse
Summary: It's James and Lily's wedding day. The war is raging outside and things are tense between Sirius and Remus, but Sirius still loves him deeply and reflects on how their relationship is changing. Slash, Sirius/Remus, One-shot.


**AN- doesn't allow lyrics on fics, but this was based on Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud. Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Thinking Out Loud<strong>

The candlelight flickered on the table. Green and gold heart confetti covered the white tablecloth and I soon found myself picking it up and bending it in half. The band was playing bouncy poppy music and I couldn't help but look at the happy couple dancing in the middle of the room. It was James and Lily's wedding day and they had never seemed more alive than tonight. Laughing and singing along, many of our friends joining in and forgetting the horror outside for just one night. I reached for my glass of wine and turned to look at the man beside me and my heart fell. Remus looked at me reproachfully before downing his glass and turning back to the dancefloor. His hair was rumpled and tie undone; even when he's wearing his best suit he always managed to look worn down.

I sighed and drank my own glass thinking hard of how the hell we got here. There was a war raging outside and James and Lily somehow managed to put this to one side for today. However, I knew that the future was lying heavy on Remus' shoulders. Every day we grew older, we grew weaker and so much more tired. The fight against Voldemort was harder than we had imagined when we left school, so young and naive. Only two years had passed but at nineteen, it felt like an eternity. Life these days seemed to be full of death, anxiety and regret. Surely most people don't feel like this before they even hit twenty? I rubbed my eyes; it had been a long and emotional day. My best friend was married! I couldn't believe it. I was so happy for them I must confess to having shed a manly tear or two at the ceremony. Yet, at the back of my mind all I could wonder was whether I could ever find what they had; a love that could erase even the darkest troubles in the back of my mind. I thought I had, but lately this love only added to my worries.

I couldn't help but think back to our seventh year of school. This was probably the best year of my life; the last year of homework and detention, a year free of my family and the year I fell in love. It came unexpectedly around Christmas. There was no long yearning of love or deep soul-searching of my feelings. I had seen Prongs mope over Lily all these years; I figured that was the way it went. But instead it came from nowhere, a joke in fact.

That Christmas there were just four of us in the Gryffindor common room; James, Lily, Remus and I. Most families wanted their children home in the uncertainty of life outside the castle, and although he argued and argued, Peter gave in to his mother and was one of them. We were happy enough though sad to leave Wormy out. And I felt such an occasion needed celebrating.

'_Firewhiskey!? Padfoot, what were you thinking?' Remus shouted at me as soon as I produced the bottles. I was insulted._

'_I am of age you know!' I told him indignantly._

'_Yeah, but you're the only one! What if McGonagall finds out?'_

'_She won't, she's probably already pissed. Bet all of the professors are having a party in the dungeons with Slughorn.'_

'_Still doesn't make it ok.'_

'_Padfoot, as Head Boy, I should probably tell you this was very irresponsible of you.' James butted in 'However as your best friend, I heartily approve. Chill out Moony, it's Christmas.' Moony looked as though he was going to argue but James interrupted before he began 'look, it's already here and I really can't be arsed to listen to you and Padfoot bickering tonight.' Remus shut his mouth and frowned. I shot him a grin. It was true we bickered all the time but it was just a bit of fun. With Prongs doing Head Boy duties and spending as much time as possible with his beloved Lilykins, Moony unfortunately got the brunt of my excess pranking energy. As much as he complained, we'd become a lot closer this year and though he rolled his eyes at my grin, I saw a smile fighting his way on to his lips._

'_That's settled then!' Lily declared excitedly. 'I've never tried Firewhiskey before, though Mary and I always steal a few lagers off my Dad when she comes to stay over the summer.' Remus looked shocked at this news and I laughed. _

_Once he'd given in though, he was more than happy to have a couple of glasses as we lounged around in front of the fire. We played a few drinking games but soon found conversation flowing easily. Lily sat curled up on Prongs lap whilst moony and I slumped on the floor around them. The conversation fell into a natural lull and James let out a loud yawn, leaning back in his chair. _

'_Oh look Mistletoe! 'He cried pointing to the decorations above his head and immediately pulled Lily in for a kiss._

'_Urgh, give it a rest you two, you're making Moony uncomfortable!' I chastised irritably, hearing Moony sigh exasperatedly beside me. They broke off laughing._

'_Leave them alone Pads, they're fine.' Moony hissed at me embarrassed. I grinned feeling an opportunity to irritate him appear._

'_No, it's rude. You can't just kiss your girlfriend in the middle of a party'_

'_Yes, you can! That's ridiculous logic.' He frowned._

'_Well, sorry but I'm insulted.' I claimed childishly. Prongs threw a nearby christmas hat at me and Lily giggled but Moony continued annoyed at my so-called ridiculous logic._

'_Besides, there was mistletoe above them, it is tradition.' He argued stubbornly. I looked up._

'_There's mistletoe above our heads, does that mean we should kiss then?' I smirked. He blushed._

'_Well, it is tradition' he mumbled uncertainly. 'But each to their …' I didn't let him finish his sentence; I leaped and pushed my lips against his in a passionate kiss._

_It was a joke. I thought it would embarrass him and shock Lily and James. It did do that, I heard Lily giggling as I leapt and James give out a shout of laughter but what I didn't expect was for it to feel __**nice**__. I'd kissed many a girl in my teenage years and Moony had kissed a few, but neither of us had any real long-term relationships and never ever had I felt like that. His face felt warm against mine and I could feel his heart beat and my stomach swoop and my face flush. Strange warmth coiled around my chest and I embraced it. And he let me kiss him. It was just a press of our lips; just a few seconds but it felt like a small infinity. I withdrew and Remus stared at me. He was bright red, I laughed at the look on his face and his blush deepened. He let out a laugh and flicked me on the forehead._

'_Jeez guys, you enjoyed that didn't you?' Prongs questioned. I flicked my head around to see him and Lily watching us smugly. 'Lily said there'd been some sexual tension lately, but did I believe her?' He carried on. We all laughed and I turned to Remus again. Something had changed inexplicably between us but I had no idea what I had instigated. We carried on enjoying the night until we were all tired. James lifted Lily up and took her to our dormitory. We decided we ought to give them some privacy and curled up in front of the fire. Things were awkward at first and we didn't talk about the kiss but as the night went on our hands somehow found each other and twisted around, and my lips found their way to his again. As far as I'm aware, Moony did not know he was gay, did not harbour any secret crushes towards me and I felt the same. But everything just felt right from that point on. And we carried on holding hands, cuddling, kissing and slowly he became my boyfriend and we fell in love._

Well, then graduation came and Remus was worrying about money and finding somewhere to live, it was only natural, I asked him to stay with me in my little flat in London and even better that James and Lily decided to shack up in my spare room until they had their own place. I couldn't have been happier. Wormy popped round and frequently fell asleep on the sofa and it was what I imagined a real family felt like. We spent so many nights in the living room drinking and joking, just like we did that Christmas night in seventh year, and though the war was fought hard outside the doors, my flat became our sanctuary. And when one night, James got down on one knee and proposed to Lily, we were ecstatic.

However, that was the point things started to turn. A few short days after his proposal, James heard news of his parents' deaths. Struggling with the grief, he and Lily retreated into their room more and more and it came as no surprise when they announced they would be moving to James' family home in Godric's Hollow. As all good friends do, we supported them and helped them, but even then doubt was rearing its head.

Remus and I clung together at first, lonely in the flat and scared about the war outside. But without James and Lily's income, soon all of the bills fell to me. Moony was always trying to find a job and I knew that this was made much harder by the fact that he was a werewolf. But still after a long day at the office, coming home to find him sat reading a book on the sofa where he'd been all day, I couldn't help but feel resentful. This wasn't helped by the numerous secret missions Dumbledore supposedly sent him on for the Order that I wasn't allowed to be privy to. I became distrustful, wondering where he'd really been. And as if he knew, Moony became clingier. Just silly things like needing to place his hand on my knee when he sat next to me or constantly asking when I would be home when I had no idea. I loved him deeply but god, could he annoy me. I knew I shouldn't but I started getting mad and suddenly our cute bickering was tinged with spite and soon escalated into full blown fighting with screaming voices and slamming doors. Moony started sleeping in the spare room more and more and though I lay awake all night when he did, I couldn't find the right words in me to turn it around. Every time I tried a snide remark somehow made its way out of my mouth, and it felt like I was shooting with broken arrows, missing the mark every single time.

We argued this morning and the weariness on his face broke my heart but I didn't know what I could do. I loved him so damn much but for the life of me, I couldn't think how to make it okay again. As much as the last few weeks sucked, I knew it would suck twice as hard to lose him. My life was nothing without him and I just wish he knew. I was so tired and looking across at him, I knew he was too. He caught my eye and shook his head.

'I can't do this, Pads.' He murmured across at me. 'How did we get here?' I smiled sadly.

'I was just thinking the same.' I agreed with a sigh. 'We can't keep going on like this. Why can't we be like them?' I added pointing to James who had Lily in a fireman's carry and was twirling her round to the music, both laughing ecstatically.

'We're just not them.' He looked at me. 'We'll never be them because things just aren't like that with us. I love you but love's not black and white, there are so many shades of grey but one's not better than another.' He ventured. 'We found love here and it's hard, but we can turn it around. As long as that's what you want.'

'I do want that. Life is so scary right now but when I'm not with you it's just unbearable.' I sighed. He smiled and reached out to stroke my hand.

'Let's just try then, that's all we can do. But we have to be honest, you have to let me know what you're thinking, what you're feeling. Otherwise I'm just shooting in the dark.' Remus demanded resolutely. I smiled at him.

'Ok.' I said as the music suddenly drew off.

'Right guys, it's nearly time to say goodbye, so why don't you grab your lover and make your way to the dancefloor for one final song. Mr and Mrs Potter, lead the way.' The singer of the band boomed down the microphone whilst his guitarist strummed up a few gentle chords.

'Shall we?' Remus grinned at me. I grinned and grabbing his hand led him to the dancefloor. The Lights were dimmed so low, there were just a few golden spotlights glowing down on the couples below. I pulled him close to me and we danced, feeling each other's heartbeat and although, I knew the future wasn't going to be easy, the present was made so much easier with this man in my arms. We may not have a road as smooth as Lily and James, but we're still on it, still holding on and hopefully won't be led astray anytime soon.

'I love you.' I murmured, finally realising that the words to express what I wanted to say had been in my mind the whole time.

'I love you too.' And the pressure eased just a little more.


End file.
